Blog Entry # 30
A Warrior who have given so much to lose so much that only a few who have worn the uniform can truly understand the sacrifices a Warrior makes while in uniform and out or when the Warrior hangs the uniform up.
As me being a Warrior I understand like the few who have put on the uniform like myself, and who have hung the uniform up after serving for their country. I can only really speak for myself because each Warrior's journey is different, and not all can relate to the experience because we all have as Warriors put on the uniform but the path it took us was not always the same, but we all went through sometime of pain and suffering, and we all sacrificed by joining the military and signing that blank check to our government regardless if you were a conventional soldier or an elite, who was a 'Leg' or a 'Paratrooper', if you were someone who was on the front-line or in the rear: we all who put on the uniform served, sacrificed, and put our life on the line each day we wore the uniform.
My service to my country was more than an experience but a very great lessons of triumphs and failures that showed me things I don't think I would be able to understand then of why I went through them until I went through the things that developed in my life after serving in the military. I know I have been judged and will be judged for my military service, but regardless, I served, sacrificed, and fought for my country in ways that I know has given me the ability to become who I am now with the good and bad. I am not perfect, and I never said I was perfect. I am not a hero even though there are some that think I am, but only those who think they are a hero are just pretending because those who had a duty, knows that the true heroes are the ones for a Warrior are the ones who paid the ultimate sacrifice of dying for our country on the battle-field or while in uniform who lost their life while serving abroad or Stateside.
I have seen things that still to this day haunts me, and as I write this blog entry 30 I am tearing up to the point that I am still hurting inside for the things I have seen that has brought me to the point now of where I am tearing up, and still hurting inside because of what I have through as a Warrior while serving in the military or after I served.
I will in my book explain more in detail of what still pains me and why I am still struggling while I am fighting the fight as a disable combat vet, and of the fight I am battling brings me hope some days and then there are days it brings me sadness. I am most recently hurt and angry for being a fool to think that regardless who people think of me or what people think of me that I can still make a difference in those who need a chance of hope of living a better life through me still being a disabled combat veteran: to share my military training & experience by being part of the family farm that will bring hope to a community that is in desperate need of a positive change, but what turned out to be a nightmare and a waste of time, money, and a major headache for the family and myself, that the whole experience caused me to be so angry at myself for breaking my back and to pour such energy knowing that even before the challenges it brought me pain and suffering, but at the end it just got me so disenchanted with people and life more so then what I already know about the world and life.
I look at my life in a ring alone fighting as a boxer alone with no one in my corner, but only God, but there are times I don't feel him there in the corner rooting me on to keep fighting the good fight. My whole life I have pretty much been a loner, and have trust issues, but I seem at one point after disappointment after disappointment get over the fact how evil people can be, and how life just brings more heartache and headache then good vibes of feelings of satisfaction.
Yes, I am hurting inside, and I am physically hurting, and emotionally, and mentally after what I have recently been through with being treated with such disrespect by those who are being controlled by very bad people who use fear to control others, and because of that I was physically assaulted by those who had bad intentions while my family and I had good intentions to help the community around the family farm, but it was short lived by threats of more violence, and blackmail or if not I would be deported back to the United States.
I can honestly say, that I am so more broken now then before I came to the Philippines over a year ago. I was so disenchanted with what happened with me while in my country the USA, and the experience I had and I just wanted to have a family, and not be so alone. But, I now have a family, but still feel alone and more of a stranger in a country that is so backwards to me and so corrupted more so then my country. I want to give up, and be a statistic, and just end my life, but I know I would be just looked at more of a joke by many and people would just say, "I told you so...he would end his life...and he was so unstable...and going to do something like this!", but I really don't want to end my life, but the thought did cross my mind because why do allow myself to be in a world that is such a fraud, and evil keep prevailing, because is it really worth fighting for what is right to just keep being disappointed with others and the circumstances.
I know there is a purpose for me, and I know even though the world is mad, doesn't mean I and others have to be part of the madness that seems to spreading all over the world like a wild forest fire with no end to it.
I have come from being a laughing stock in my family, to being a Warrior who fought in two wars, to a laughing stock again to not end my military career like normal people, to being disowned by my family, to being homeless, eating out of trash cans, squatting in abandoned drug houses, a major drug addict, in and out of jail and the hospitals, and I have tried to commit suicide several upon several times, and overdosed on drugs several upon several times, and I have literally slept on a sidewalk vents to stay warm as a disabled combat vet who begged for money, and did whatever it took to survive.
I am always misunderstood by my family and others, and people always want to change me and want me to be this way or that way, but I can't conform to the ways of a fake world with fake people who are hiding their flaws but have no problems to expose mine.
While taking from the world as in the past being a major problem, I have given right back and helped society, while society keeps trying to bring me back down with all the lies and deceptions, and with all the excuses of not being able to help me because of my past mistakes.
I know that God has a plan and it is greater then mine and ours who keep fighting the good fight while the battles we fight wound us to great points of sadness of disappointments.
I have been accused of things I did and didn't do, I have been accused of being a fake, and I have even when it pains me to be: I have been truthful most of my life, but have been looked at still being a liar and a fake. I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to do anymore, but to keep trusting the Lord, even when it causes me such pain and suffering in the process.
I am that Warrior in the ring alone with the pain and suffering that stings with the bitterness of fueling me with the drive to get back up after being hit with blows that most people would not get up from, and I am almost at round 44, and a year that I don't know if I have any more rounds to go through, but if I do it is because of the grace of God and God willing because this Warrior is tired but still not going to give up on myself or others even while a world destined to destroy itself because there are still opportunities worth fighting for even when I keep fighting the good fight the world is sabotaging me to stop fighting.
I leave you with this last note: I am a Warrior who have seen things that the people fighting me can only imagine to be possible but if they only understood what a Warrior like me and others have been through they wouldn't even conceived to even want to test this Warrior, but because of a broken fallen world there will be fools who will keep testing Warriors like myself all because of being blind fools who are stuck in the world matrix, trapped in a matrix controlled by evil people destined to destroy God's people like myself. Also, if people knew the demons I fight all the time, that the government thinks shoving drugs in me with keep the demons from surfacing but what actually happens they surface more and more and cause me to be more lost, and confused.
I have heard from some of their fear of what would happen if I lost it, and I keep saying to myself this, "Why do you test us warriors to the point of you worrying about fearing of what would happen if we lost it, but not asking what we feel and do we fear to see the monster or monsters in us that come out after being provoked makes us feel, not what you think will happen but what we know could happen and try so hard to avoid".
Life has such an interesting way of showing things, but mostly after going through so much crap in this world I truly believe doesn't give two shits about us Warriors, but a world that would rather see us gone, and not even around, but if it wasn't for my family and God, I think I would just disappear from this world forever.
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